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tips for having sex with trans mlm
Okay, since it seems this question pops up a lot from cis mlm who are interested in having a sexual relationship with trans men, I decided to compile a list of tips for approaching safe, enjoyable, non-dysphoria inducing sex. Sorry about the length:
1. Ask about terminology:
This is such an important first step and why I listed it first: if you don’t know what to call a partner’s body part–ask them! Don’t assume they’re totally fine with one thing or the other. Getting it wrong can be awkward at best, incredibly dysphoria inducing at worst (and a relationship ender right off the bat). Some guys like to call a part of themselves their “clit”, while others prefer to call the same part “dick/cock” or just “junk”. The best way to phrase this question is to make it neutral, something like “what terms do you use for your body parts?” rather than something like “what do you call your vagina?” which implies that one term is already more valid/”real” than another. Of course, this is after you’ve already established that sexual stuff is going to ensue–don’t make this your first message to the guy on a hook up app.
2. Ask about boundaries:
Especially if you are dealing with a dysphoric person, but also just in general, knowing which parts are okay to touch, which parts are 100% off limits, and which parts may have certain conditions for interacting with them is a must. Again, communication is very important. Maybe your guy really likes using his front hole, but butt stuff is off-limits. You never know until you ask, and maybe you have boundaries as well you want to go over.
This goes the other way too! Don’t just automatically assume something will make your partner dysphoric–it may very well be something they actually enjoy.
3. Don’t make assumptions about our bodies or preferred positions.
I’ve already said it multiple times already, but open communication rather than making assumptions is really key. I’ve seen many cis guys who have assumed that all trans men want to strictly bottom, and even a few who thought the exact opposite. The reality is that trans men have as much variety in sex preferences as anyone else–some bottom, some top, some are verse, some don’t enjoy penetrative sex at all. And for those of you wondering how a trans man could top, or worrying that it might be less enjoyable for either party than a cis man topping–don’t knock it till you try it. There are plenty of toys, strap-ons and other sex technology wonders that you have yet to explore, not to mention that many trans men do have flesh and blood penises that they are more than happy to use.
4. If you use toys, strap-ons, and prosthetics:
Don’t assume everything is a “toy”. For some trans men, their prosthetic is a natural part of their anatomy, and it can be upsetting and disorienting to refer to it as a toy.
If shopping for toys or prosthetics, make sure it’s something your partner actually wants (again don’t assume!) and make sure your partner actually likes what you pick. I know it can seem nice or sexy to surprise your partner with a gift, but toys and prosthetics can be extremely personal, so whoever is using the product should have a say what it’ll be like. If you still want to go for the surprise element, think about giving them a gift certificate or an I.O.U. for a sex shop instead. Then you can make it a fun outing together.
5. Don’t ask them about surgeries, hormones, or their life “before”:
This should be a no-brainer, but unfortunately too many guys make this mistake immediately upon meeting a trans person. Maybe you’re going into a very committed, long-term relationship with the guy. Maybe just a one night grindr hook up. Doesn’t matter. If he wants to talk to you about it, he will. Otherwise it’s none of your business.
6. Don’t bring up passing.
Really, the amount of guys that think they’re being helpful when they tell us how we “look so much more manly than other trans guys!” or how we’d “pass so much better if you just did x”. It’s obnoxious and upsetting. Trans people know a hell of a lot more about the intricacies of passing than whatever you think you do, and we don’t like back-handed compliments that come from comparing us to other trans people. You’re not winning any brownie points from these comments, they just make you seem ignorant and rude.
7. We are not an encyclopedia of trans knowledge.
If we’re on a dating website or app, we’re there for the same reason as you: to meet people for sex, romance, friendship, etc. We’re not there to answer questions that you have about trans people, especially when almost all of them are easy to answer on a cursory google search. We don’t want to be asked to help write your gender studies essay, or asked how we feel about [insert trans celebrity]. Really, just don’t do this. It’s an immediate block for most people.
8. Don’t tell us we’re brave.
Kinda on the same note as the last one, don’t tell us “we’re so brave” for existing or that you’re “proud” or even about the trans sibling cousin roommate friend neighbor teacher etc that you have. We don’t need cringe-y condescension when we’re trying to hook up. And c’mon, you should know this already from when straight people tell you this.
9. We’re not your experiment.
Don’t have sex with us just because you want to “experiment” with having sex with a trans person, and especially not because you see us as some kind of stepping stone to having sex with “real” men.
10. Don’t assume we all think the same.
Again, should be obvious, but it unfortunately isn’t. Just because you dated a trans man in the past that was comfortable with x, doesn’t mean your new partner feels the same way. We aren’t a hivemind. Trans people are individuals with varied experiences, pasts, preferences, and levels of dysphoria. Follow all the above steps again every time you engage with a new partner.
11. You won’t always know you’re having sex with a trans person. And that’s okay.
Yes, you read that right. This is something that actually happens. Some trans men are “stealth”, meaning that they live their lives with little to zero people aware that they are trans. This doesn’t mean they’re trying to “trick” you, and this doesn’t make them a bad person. Many trans people do this for a variety of reasons, such as safety and their own comfort–some guys just think of being trans as part of their medical history, and not worth mentioning. Regardless of reasons, it is an incredibly personal decision. Don’t be offended if a trans man chooses not to come out to you. He has his reasons, and you should respect that.
12. Have fun with it.
Seriously, this may seem like a terribly long list of responsibilities, but almost all of these are things you should be doing with any partner. And once you’ve got them down, they become surprisingly more natural than you’d think. Remember that you’re doing this because you want to share an enjoyable experience with another person. And yeah, you might occasionally slip up, but we know that, and it’s usually pretty obvious when you’re trying. So relax and have fun.
If any other trans mlm have something to add, feel free to contribute.
ok for cis people to reblog! (please do)
